Sorry fans, I'm too messed up right now...

I just burned my illegal copy of (Mark Ronson and) Amy Winehouse's CD-single-with-eight-remixes of her current UK number one hit, the remake of The Zutons' great song "Valerie". (whew) While I can't get the song out of my head, and it's caused me to go back & relisten to The Zutons fab album "Tired Of Hangin' Around", it made me think a lot about Ms. Whine-house.

What the hell is her problem? I was reading something tonight that said "The self-destructive tortured-artist routine was bullshit when Kurt Cobain did it, it was bullshit when Elliott Smith did it, and it's bullshit now." Amen to that, brother! And while you're corpse-droppin', add the still-breathing pathetically-old-enough-to-know-better Courtney Love, Britney "double-wide" Spears, and that snivelling little shit Pete Doherty.

This gal has absolutely the best album I've heard in years - biggest impact on me since I heard the 1st Strokes album (that was like the 2nd coming of The Velvet Underground - now they're about as significant as Velvet Revolver). So she likes getting messed up? Shit, I bet I can drink her under the table! It seems she's loaded every day, from what I read in the NME. So I seriously wonder how much, or how little, she has to drink before she gets into full-on AMY-mode. What a PIKER! Rod Stewart & The Faces used to have a BAR on stage & as bad a choice Mateus was for their beverage of choice (they also ate English food, so whaddaya expect), they NEVER had problems playing gigs. Same goes for Keith Richard. KEITH RICHARD!!! Bitch, when you wanna get REAL, come see ol' tree-fallin-out-of Keef! And he's like YOU, booze AND dope!

NOTE TO AMY: FIRST - it's good your loser husband, Blake Cecil Fielder (or whatever his name is) aka Pete Doherty-lite, is in jail. KEEP HIM THERE. Now, get back into the studio with a pot of coffee and Mark Ronson. Your collaboration on Back To Black was so right-on. Too bad now he's an over-exposed cliche (set him straight, baby -wait, look who I'm talkin' to!). We need another soul shot! Aretha ain't never gonna do it - but You can do it, you seem to actually have talent, & we can get about another year outta you before you're washed up & passe. Confidentially I'm tired of listening to the same old 10 tracks for this past year, even though nothing else has come along that's any better.

(And you know what? I've seen a LOT of girls in the malls walking around with messed-up pseudo-Amy hair - is that deliberate or are they just dirty pigs?)

Ronnie Spector from the fabulous Ronettes, who back in the 60s used to have the highest hair in captivity, said when they'd do shows, they'd pin it up as loose as possible, so that while they were on stage shakin' their moneymakers, the hair would start fallin' and it would look like they got into a fight, or just got outta bed, & the boys in the audience would go NUTS. So Amy, while I love ya, baby you ain't nothin' new. Ronnie had the hair, Billie Holiday had the junk, Judy Garland had the booze, but baby YOU got the voice. Get it together, baby.

And go to Applebee's.