And Now, Back By Popular Demand - Sharon Lois & Bram!

I forgot - which one quit the music business: 50 cent or Kanye West?

That's what I thought.

The music business - hell, the entertainment business - is so stupid.

I'm looking at a recent copy of Rolling Stone that someone at work left on their desk, and inside there's a photo of Eddie Van Halen on stage at a recent show. The caption reads - get this - "Atomic Punks". WTF !??!!?

Yeah, we all remember Van Halen back in '77 playing Rock Against Racism gigs at Mabuhay Gardens, sharing the stage with The Slits and The Clash. (do I have to say "not", cliche watchers?) They are about the most NON-punk band I can think of, besides every other metal hair outfit from back then.

The fact that the term "shred" pretty much = Eddie Van Halen should give you some idea how wrong it is to use the words "punk" and "Van Halen" in the same sentence, unless of course when you say punk you're discussing Ed's mosquito chasers.

How pathetic it must be to see these 50 year old guys prancing around the stage singing that they're "hot for teacher". I guess it's only about 10 years less disgusting as some pension-eligible guy yelping "I'm gonna give you every inch of my love" - because that's certainly gonna happen in your town in a few months.

And since Led Zeppelin came up, what is up with Robert Plant's hair? Has he checked a mirror? His once Raphaelite tresses now look like some homeless guy got caught in the rain. And you wanna give me every inch of your love? Help, police!

Yeah, I know it's all about reliving your youth, because its so fleeting. I'm always disappointed with the second coming of some quaint relic. Out of the numerous icons from my youth that I've seen in their golden years, only Bob Dylan, ? & The Mysterians (I shit you not) and the great Ray Davies haven't disappointed. Oh, and of course Neil Young (who will never get old).

And The Sex Pistols are coming around AGAIN?? The first comeback they said yeah, the bread's too good to turn down. And I applauded them for that. Now it's down to "we do it better than anyone else". Er, not really, not anymore, pops. Maybe when you were 20, but what's edgy & punky at 20 is downright pathetic & sad at 50. (I'm thinking New York Dolls reunion. Nothing's worse than an old worn out tart.) What, you still have something to say?

Flipping through this magazine, I see: John Fogerty, Lou Reed, Tom Petty, Springsteen, Axl Rose (what's he doing in a music magazine?), the Police of course, and Neil Young.

Oh, did I mention that on the cover it says "THE 2007 HOT ISSUE"?

Who's bad? Ch'mon!

I am reminded of a conversation I had yesterday - it was, indeed, the same one in which I was told I am so mean on this blog. Apparently they didn't read the blog that said I am full of shit and a real pussycat. Anyway, it appears I made a glaring omission in my cliche blog:

"My bad"

Gawd I hate hate hate that!! I first heard someone say that about five years ago, and at the time, two people said it in two consecutive statements. I thought it sounded kinda stupid. Now, it's even being said by Jessica Simpleton in a Macy's TV ad. Jeez, that's like your grandfather saying "right on" or the parish priest saying "for shizzle" and he's not even the hoodlum priest!

And about that Macy's ad: I have a real problem with Jessica Simpson's agent. When is she going to stop pushing the whole stupid trip? OK, being self-effacing was a good move a few years back, but that's all she does now. Is she that big a dumbass?

And while I'm dissecting the Macy's ad: Piddly saying "Sean John is sexy; Sean John is expensive..." Oh, so the accent is on the second word. OK so now I can correctly say "Sean John is an ugly-ass clothing line".

And what's with that guy, John-Hurt-with-a-feather-up-his-ass? Aren't there any cooled-out gay guys who do normal shit & have good taste but just like cock? I don't think I've seen any - knowingly, anyway - gay guys who have a classic clothes sense or good taste, everything has to be screwed up a little, like they're still guys with the usual guy bad style-sense, but they have to act like their interests are really in clothes and decor and shit. I'm pretty straight, but I know bad style when I see it, and I certainly saw it in Carson Kressley from the get-go. Your clothes can sing, just not like Mariah Carey.

WOW - something GOOD to tell you!!

Yesterday I saw a Christmas commercial on TCM that used a facsimile, if not an original sample, of The Drifters' "White Christmas", but with new TCM-specific lyrics. The vintage film footage was spot-on, the vocals actually sounded of-the-period. Look for it.

AMY WINEHOUSE WATCH

She cancelled all her upcoming gigs for I-don't-know-how-long. She can't go on without her husband, the connection. That girl's a train wreck, and I just can't stop looking! Meanwhile, I'm still digging her "Valerie" single, and, of course, the "Back To Black" lp will always be in heavy rotation on the Googa-Mooga jukebox.

Did I say lp? I meant CD!

My bad!!!

I Told You I Was Trouble ...

Despite all the vitriol spewed on this page, I'm really not full of hate. I'm a rather decent guy, if I do say so myself. I feel the need to say that, because when I stop & think about ... things for a minute, it seems like I have a lot of pent-up whatever.

And I guess I do: Catholic upbringing brought the guilt. Coming of age in the 60's promoted a pro-coolsville, anti-establishment stripe. The 70s came roaring in and when four kids were killed at Kent State I dug a hole and buried peace love and flowers in the dirt. After the cultural one-two punch of Glam & Punk, and journalists like Lester Bangs and Richard Meltzer and rags like Creem Magazine and the underground comix press made wiseacres and scalawags seem attractive, it seemed sarcasm and cynicism was greenlighted. It does sound cliche doesn't it? But if you were around then, that's how it went down for me.

So all my verbal shitting is pretty much good-natured. Anyway, everyone has the right to their own opinion, and most of what I spew about isn't really worth anything in the big picture. Except to me, and maybe not even that. Why do it, then? Because I CAN. And so can you. But honestly, I think there's too much of THIS RIGHT HERE going on today - people voicing their opinions left and right, most of it verbal watery pooh. We've come a long way from wearing your favorite shitty band's t-shirt. It's called talk radio.

This post has disintegrated into something stupid and needs to be redeemed. So I'll leave you with some of the best advice I can give you.

WFMU.ORG is the best station in the U S of A. Go to their site, listen live, or better yet, check out the archives for every show. My favorite show is Dave The Spazz on Thursday night. He is as you teens would say off the chain. Also notable is Teenage Wasteland with Bill Kelly (who is not a teeneager - they never are) and Fool's Paradise with Rex (he is - a fool, not a teen). Radio is primarily dead, but this station is the best I've heard in many a year. Check out the entire site. They have a ton of downloadables on their "blog" page.

Now get out there & defend your country, Johnny!

And another thing ...

People are idiots.

People are setting up tents at big box stores to buy attractively priced christmas gifts. I hope these same items are on sale for much less later in the season.

I remember going to Best Buy at midnight when the 1st Beatles Anthology CD came out. Why? I don't know. But I sure didn't camp out. I wouldn't even camp out to see John Lennon in person. Ask me when was the last time I played Anthology 1. Who knows?

On our way to Thanksgiving dinner at my brother & sister-in-laws, the local white suburban housewife radio station (you know, the one with the banal & insipid morning show. Still don't know which one? I see your point.) that started playing strictly Christmas music on November 1 played, well, lets just say eight songs. Five hours later, on the return trip, we hear four of those same songs. And different versions of two of the others. Now you can probably buy at least 60 years of Christmas music. Why do they repeat the same crappy songs over and over? I know I can turn the radio off, but my wife wants to hear Christmas music. At home, we have close to 100 Christmas discs. This fact she does not appreciate. Facts I am proud of: we do not have "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" by Amy Grant, which that station played during each trip, and Amy's vocal is the most phoned-in crapfest I've ever heard, and believe me I've heard (and loved) crapfests. Also we do not have "Little Drummer Boy" by Bob Seger. That song alone is reason for all Seger fans to put a silver bullet through their collective heads. At home we have really good Christmas music by Louis Prima, Charlie Parker, Bob Marley, Keith Richard, and many many more. My wife wants Johnny frikkin' Mathis. I want Johnny frikkin' Mathis, too - to finally come out and say "I like Senator Craig". Put some bells and a string quartet behind that.

People are going to give me lots of fodder this season. The campers are just the beginning.

Sorry fans, I'm too messed up right now...

I just burned my illegal copy of (Mark Ronson and) Amy Winehouse's CD-single-with-eight-remixes of her current UK number one hit, the remake of The Zutons' great song "Valerie". (whew) While I can't get the song out of my head, and it's caused me to go back & relisten to The Zutons fab album "Tired Of Hangin' Around", it made me think a lot about Ms. Whine-house.

What the hell is her problem? I was reading something tonight that said "The self-destructive tortured-artist routine was bullshit when Kurt Cobain did it, it was bullshit when Elliott Smith did it, and it's bullshit now." Amen to that, brother! And while you're corpse-droppin', add the still-breathing pathetically-old-enough-to-know-better Courtney Love, Britney "double-wide" Spears, and that snivelling little shit Pete Doherty.

This gal has absolutely the best album I've heard in years - biggest impact on me since I heard the 1st Strokes album (that was like the 2nd coming of The Velvet Underground - now they're about as significant as Velvet Revolver). So she likes getting messed up? Shit, I bet I can drink her under the table! It seems she's loaded every day, from what I read in the NME. So I seriously wonder how much, or how little, she has to drink before she gets into full-on AMY-mode. What a PIKER! Rod Stewart & The Faces used to have a BAR on stage & as bad a choice Mateus was for their beverage of choice (they also ate English food, so whaddaya expect), they NEVER had problems playing gigs. Same goes for Keith Richard. KEITH RICHARD!!! Bitch, when you wanna get REAL, come see ol' tree-fallin-out-of Keef! And he's like YOU, booze AND dope!

NOTE TO AMY: FIRST - it's good your loser husband, Blake Cecil Fielder (or whatever his name is) aka Pete Doherty-lite, is in jail. KEEP HIM THERE. Now, get back into the studio with a pot of coffee and Mark Ronson. Your collaboration on Back To Black was so right-on. Too bad now he's an over-exposed cliche (set him straight, baby -wait, look who I'm talkin' to!). We need another soul shot! Aretha ain't never gonna do it - but You can do it, you seem to actually have talent, & we can get about another year outta you before you're washed up & passe. Confidentially I'm tired of listening to the same old 10 tracks for this past year, even though nothing else has come along that's any better.

(And you know what? I've seen a LOT of girls in the malls walking around with messed-up pseudo-Amy hair - is that deliberate or are they just dirty pigs?)

Ronnie Spector from the fabulous Ronettes, who back in the 60s used to have the highest hair in captivity, said when they'd do shows, they'd pin it up as loose as possible, so that while they were on stage shakin' their moneymakers, the hair would start fallin' and it would look like they got into a fight, or just got outta bed, & the boys in the audience would go NUTS. So Amy, while I love ya, baby you ain't nothin' new. Ronnie had the hair, Billie Holiday had the junk, Judy Garland had the booze, but baby YOU got the voice. Get it together, baby.

And go to Applebee's.

LOL, my BFF ;-{ ) !

Gawd, how I hate cliches. I know, my bluetoothed friends, I'm one too. I mean, how can you not help but be one in some way shape or form. There are so many pop culture buzzwords and catchphrases and trends out there that it turns my stomach, & if you knew me you'd know that's gotta be a pretty mean feat.

OK, let's get started, I only have time for a few or I'll be here all day:

- Everyone is saying "No worries". I first heard this phrase on that stupid Abe Lincoln sleep aid TV commercial. I thought the actor read the script wrong; turns out everyone's saying that - EVERYONE EXCEPT ME.

- Everyone's also saying "yeah yeah yeah" in response - no, I mean in really really response - to some statement they agree with, thay they want to add some bit of detail to. Look, unless your name is Ringo, quit that shit. You sound like you have a stuttering problem.

- If you are past the age of 25 (OK, 30 or so), DO NOT wear your shirttail hanging out from under your sweater like the asshole on the "you're my #1" cell phone commercial. If you don't think you can NOT look sloppy just wearing an untucked shirt, tuck it in, gramps. And grams.

- If you were born/raised/obtained an education above the Mason-Dixon line, there is no fathomable reason for you to say "dudn't". The contraction is DOESN'T. "Dudn't it?" "Yeah, it dud!" See how stupid that sounds, Jeb?

- Back when I was a young creep, when your jeans were all torn at the bottom and you were dragging dirty denim stalagmites (ot 'tites, whichever is appropriate), it meant you were a)too poor to buy new ones; b)too stoned to pick up the scissors & cut that shit off; c)those jeans were way past their 2nd stage of wear, which started after you undid the hem last month because they were shrinking from being thrown in the dryer. Now I'm all for punky, I-don't-give-a-shit looking clothes, but this just reminds me of Britney Spears neighbors. In my youth we called them Grand Funk fans.

Wow. I'm really on a roll here. I better quit before I offend someone.

Am I a snob? Probably, and I'm probably as big a cliche as you'll ever see. And I'm also full of shit, and I'll be the first to tell you so. That's a cliche, too.

And I should care what you think because...? (look out, falling cliche zone)

Overture

Hey!! My first post on my first ever blog page! look ma, I'm bloggin'!!

First off, and this will probably be the topic of all my postings, I need to tell you what I hate. Why? because you need to know, that's why! And I'll tell you not only once, but probably ad nauseum. Guess what? I don't care if you don't like it! Get yer own blog page, ya stinkin' smolderin' turd !!

OK, let's get started straightaway ...

Since the holiday season is rapidly approaching, I wanna tell you how much I hate those stupid blow-up decorations that people put on their front lawns. I hate those things so much I wouldn't be surprised if half the slopeheads I work with own at least one (which one is the question: Santa in a sled, or a Xmas tree in a giant snow globe?) Those things are an eyesore, you might as well just paint your truck tire flower bed edging green & red. Be sure you're wearing your favorite bar satin jacket when you do so.

OK, now I'm startin' to limber up a little. I must admit, the blogging lingo was a little rusty at the start, but now I'm rollin' along like frickin' Chaucer. What's the character limit per post on this thing?

Nah, nevermind, I ran outta patience. I'm done for now.


Next time: cliches. Yeah, I'm lookin' at you.