Tastes Like Chicken

I've taken some time recently to consider things people either believe and/or tell me in hopes that I too will believe. Now it's time to set people straight. Here are a number of misconceptions that need to be addressed:

IT TAKES MORE ENERGY TO FROWN THAN TO SMILE. Whaddayou, nuts? Go out, anywhere, anytime, and just go about your day. That's right, pass people left and right, coming and going. Make an effort to smile at them. See how hard that is? Now for the next person you pass, just continue walking with your usual sneer on your face. Easy as pie. Nobody smiles. If it was easy, we'd be grinning like idiots all over the world and everybody else'd wonder what the hell we were up to.

A STITCH IN TIME SAVES NINE. Wrong. It doesn't even save "fore", because if you have to get stitches, you're gonna miss your tee time. There go nine holes.

IF YOU DON'T STOP THAT YOU'LL GO BLIND. Adult men have vision. 'Nuff said.

YOU SHOULD NOT ASK ABOUT SALARY AT A JOB INTERVIEW. Are you getting up early and putting on socks just for kicks? Is this job going to help cure something or change the world? Your future boss isn't stupid. Are you? Ask how much they're gonna pay you. Then laugh & walk out.

DON'T SPIT IN MY FACE AND TELL ME IT'S RAINING. No, go ahead. Try. I would, if I were you.

WOW, WHAT A GREAT SONG / MOVIE / ETC. Seriously. Do you really think your emphatic blathering is going to convince me? You never take my advice, and I'm gonna take yours? And I invest a lot of time & effort to come informed on this shit. You truly like the 80's & Adam Sandler movies. Get away from me.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Wave your arms wildly in someone's ear. Unless you lose your balance & accidentally slug them, this is an urban myth.

IF GUNS ARE OUTLAWED ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE GUNS. Are all pot smokers dope fiends? I said ALL. Well then, how about drinkers? Geez, c'mon!

CHEATERS NEVER WIN. What world do you live in?

NEVER SHIT WHERE YOU EAT. What if you're bedridden? What if you eat shit? What if you live in toiletville? Never say never.

I CALL SHOTGUN. I got shotgun. (this one doesn't really fit. I just thought it was funny, at the time)

HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS. No, what happens is your family is left with a lotta crap they have to do something with. He who dies with the most toys is held in contempt by his survivors.

I guess that's enough for now. Be sure you keep it real. As if anyone'd know.