Cash (sacred) Cow Enlightenment

Hey, here's another must-have item!

Coming to you direct from in-the-know pundit of God, John Edward, a book - and it looks real thin - on prayer. Complete with a two-tone rosary!

The best part is Edward's initials embossed on the cover. Lest you forget who's going to make a buck or two mill on this thing.

No one needs any kind of info on prayer. Whether it be how to do it, or why to do it. You do it exactly how and when and why and where (and with whom - now we're complete) you want. No rules! Only I wouldn't do it while copulating, except maybe if you're thinking about the consequences, if you have no business being involved at the moment, that's one rule, probably.

See, I don't even know for sure, because it's rule-proof!

Prayer may be limited for some individuals, so you'd be well informed not to waste it, like don't say "I hope to God that asshole who just cut me off gets riddled with facial sores", because if God hears that & says "OK", maybe he won't hear you when you're saying "Please make my parachute open", because you had one answered prayer this month & you blew it on a bad driver's complexion.

Also, maybe don't make your prayer too generalized where it's just not doable. Like one prayer I have that never, ever, gets answered is when I say, "F$%k 'em all!!". That never happens! Because, like, babies are born every second, so is the cut off when you finish the statement, or just as you begin the prayer, or when you have the thought to pray for the f$%king, or when? And maybe you should say "only the ones 15 years old and up", or "just adult white bitches", or what? Food for thought, my friend.

So if this guy wants to pull your coat to prayer, why does he charge for it? I would think if you don't give a shit about praying or God or rosaries, then you'd say, "hey, I'm gonna make some money offa something I know about, which just happens to be religious-oriented ephemera!" and take the capitalist route. But if you really really care, deeply, down in your soul, then you just wanna spread the word, that's all, like I do here, for you. If some of you out there say, "well, a guy's gotta eat & pay rent", then maybe he should get a job and just tell people about prayer if and when they need that kind of data. Gratis.

Everyone wants to make a buck. Whether it's prayerbooks, garbage bowls or black market jeans (I'll deal with you later, P-Dog. No one I polled ever heard of an "Ipod pocket" just below the knee. Do you know how long the earbud cord has to be?). But I guess there's no way of knowing if there's a market for your bullshit unless you put it out there. Which is what John Edward did. And P-Dog. So it's up to you to shun the shills.

Or so help me God, you're gonna get it.