Wring Out The Auld

YAY!!! IT'S OVER!!!! Away and begone with this season that was colored by a broken washing machine, outdoor lights problems, indoor lights problems (every f#%king light on the tree went out just 30 minutes before a houseful of people show up - I left 'em off), and the really discomforting fact that one third of my Xmas eve guests are gun carriers - and honestly I can only think of one of those people whom I would ever trust with a weapon (he killed a priest in his teenage years - his, not the priest's).

WHAT'D I GET??? I thought you'd never ask! I'll be accessorizing in style this winter with a fine assortment of gloves, scarves, slippers & sweaters. I got the two must-have books this season, Sleeveface and "John Lennon - The Life". And I got a robot, an exact (almost) replica of the one I had as a child. And this was unbeknownst to my wife! And it's named after me! No foolin'! And I got an iPod dock, so now everyone can hear the playlist that goes on in my head day & night. And some other stuff, too, but I'll stop here because space is at a premium.

One of the bright spots of this holiday season is that I got to spend time with my grandson, who, at 3 months of age, shows every inkling of becoming God, or at least the greatest guy on earth. His parents are kinda flaked-out, but I'll make sure he stays righteous.

So now, for those of you who are going out post-holiday shopping, here's my best-of 2008 list (in no particular order):

Vampire Weekend (my favorite of the year); Imperial Wax Solvent by The Fall; Antidotes by Foals; Partie Traumatic by Black Kids; Parallel Play by Sloan; Dig!!! Lazarus, Dig!!! by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds; Skeletal Lamping by of Montreal; I Was Raised On Matthew, Mark Luke & Laura by Pas/Cal; Ten Kens; Reality Check by The Teenagers; Workout Holiday by White Denim; Rip It Off by Times New Viking; The Stand-Ins by Okkervill River; Nouns by No Age; Tell Tale Signs by ol' Zimmy; and last but definitely not least: Beat Pyramid by These New Puritans.

I'll close this post with a tip of the sexy hat to Miss Earth Kitt, the Queen Diva who merged with the universe on Xmas Day. She was Catwoman in the 60's, had an affair with Orson Wells, was blacklisted, recorded some very sexy music, including "C'est Si Bon", "Cha Cha Heels" with Bronski Beat in the 80s, and of course "Santa Baby", which she hopefully dug this season. We'll miss you, Ms Thing.

Drinks are on George at Martini's

Can it be? Is it really true? Yeah I guess so. Christmas is for all intents & purposes, over. Actually, it's not over until the 25th. So enjoy the next 48 hours - this is what we all waited for.

Last I checked (mon afternoon), QVC/HSN still guaranteed delivery in time for Xmas with an extra $5 shipping and only if you paid by credit card. Who's getting that fiver?

Here's what I've been experiencing: the traffic is f#%king horrendous, but inside the shops it ain't that bad. It's like everyone's decided to do the USA waste-o-rama twist because the gas prices went down. That's their Xmas present to themselves - an anxiety-riddled road trip!

Also - what the hell is wrong with women? I think I've seen more fur coats this season than in recent history. Might this be the last arrogant display of sore loser Bush supporters? These over-cosmeticized, heavily perfumed, drastically tinted and tipped old crows (young bimbos too) thumbing their hedonistic noses at the human rights cult? Watch both ways before crossing the street, honey. Unless these are just very expensive fakes. Nah, that would take too much research. Sorry, it's a sore point with me. (what isn't?)

I think we've reached full Fa-La-La-La Lifetime saturation in my house. I'm starting to see the same lame Xmas movies come on more than once. I've decided that I really don't like Candice Cameron anymore as an adult then when she & Kimmie Gibler hung out at the Cinnabon. OH - there's one with Patrick Swayze & I think it was filmed in Canada, and everyone in his family has that slightly plastic/out of time/foreign country look - I think it's like when all your buddies shave their heads in empathy with your lice problem.

All bitching and kvetching aside, I wish for you (all, like five of you, if there's that many out there) a fantastic holiday season, and let's work together in the new year to seriously get on the good foot. After all our bellyaching we can't f#%k this up.

Happy 65th Keef !!!

. . . but eternally young at heart. Cheers, mate !

Not Quite Last Minute Xmas Gift Guide

Let's not hyperventilate: it isn't time for LAST MINUTE gifts just yet. What you have to wait for is the day that QVC or HSN says your stuff will NOT arrive in time for Xmas with ANY type of uber-shipping plan. THEN it's time to get your azz down to the quickie mart & scarf up those Chia Homers (so 2006).

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Of course, the biggest gift idea this year is a wonderful little coffee table book called Sleeveface. Have you gone here yet? http://www.sleeveface.com/ Have you perused your vinyl collection in preparation for your very own little Sleeveface photo shoot? Are you busy? You LIE!!!

Another must-have book is "Lennon: The Life" by Phillip Norman. This book got the nod and pertinent input from Yoko AND McCartney, and it gets down to the real nitty gritty. (He wanted Paul! And his own Mother !!!)

How about a MIMOBOT ( http://www.mimoco.com/shop/ ) for the geek in your life? It's a designer USB drive that's part Transformer, part R2D2, part something else made out of plastic. Tres "Tokyo" chic!!

For those who wanna buy low/sell high: Sirius stock closed at .14 today. They're going through tough times (who isn't) but they'll snap back. Of course, grab your grain of salt, I bought a million shares of Betamax last year.

Someone you know likes the rock & roll? Here's yer best bets for the year: Vampire Weekend, Pas/Cal, Of Montreal, Glasvegas, Belle & Sebastian At The BBC, Ten Kens, Foals, White Denim, Okkervill River, Dylan (hell, collect 'em all), The Fall (ditto).

Easy-as-pie can't-fail all-around favorite cop-outs: liquor, money, sexual favors.

Hope I've been helpful. Wassail On!!

How I Spent My Weekend

Many things happened over the two day respite we call the weekend. It went like this: Escaped massive layoffs at work. participated in various phone related things, including new cell phone for me and the wife, new home phone number, five new phones for the new phone line. Completed my xmas shopping. Watched six xmas movies. Put my new Godzilla xmas ornament on the tree: perfect! TV service went out. Internet went out. Washing machine died. Resented numerous people for various reasons.

And man oh man, has here been a run on cemetery plots lately! Check out this list of recent obit column subjects: Robert Prosky, who was the old Hill St Blues cop (do it to them before they do it to you") and most recently a judge on Boston Legal; Beverly Garland, who played the newly minted wife with a precocious daughter on the last season of My Three Sons; Sunny Von Bulow, who's husband was tried for attempted murder (of HER!!); Ron Carey, who had bit roles in Mel Brooks movies & was the underachiever cop in Barney Miller; Van Johnson, he of old musical & non-musical films, and showed up from time to time on Love Boat; and, finally Miss Bettie Page - I thought she already was dead!

Consumer alert: I mentioned that I saw some xmas movies- well one was Steven Colbert's Christmas Special. I like him a lot, but here's where his over the top auto-consumerism schtick goes beyond clever: His xmas special aired just one night, and the next day it was released on dvd, never to be aired again. I thought his book (I Am America And So Can You) was brilliant. The special, however, was pure shit. I wasted $15. He should stick to reading lines behind a desk (which he does better than anybody else). The writers of this special (undoubtedly he was one of them) should get coal in their stocking. So anyway, don't buy it. You can borrow mine.

Hey, y'know what some of the best albums of the year were? You will soon enough.

Ride The Midnight Special

Another great voice of the 20th century has moved on. Odetta died December 2 at the age of 77. She was one of the most important voices in the development of folk music, and in particular the musical education of Bob Dylan & Joan Baez. She studied opera at 13, then worked in Hollywood for The Hollywood Turnabout Puppet Theater with Elsa Lanchester. She acted on stage and in films. In 1974 she was in the acclaimed TV movie The Autobiography OF Miss Jane Pittman with Cicely Tyson. She was hooked up with the usual: Belafonte, Dr King, James Baldwin, Pete Seeger. Rosa Parks sited her songs as the ones that she was most fond of. One could've been the 1961 UK hit she had with Belafonte, "Hole In The Bucket". Her last husband was blues figure Louisiana Red. Odetta suffered from, among other things, Pulmonary Fibrosis. In her hospital room she had a poster of Barack Obama, and she had fought to stay alive because she believed she would sing at his inauguration.

Instead we'll get be entertained by Beyonce & Jay-Z, two slammin' niggaz that are doing their part for civil rights - setting it backward 50 years.

NOW You Know Why Cha Cha Heels!

Just a quickie for the weekend: Here's the significance of last post's title (Cha Cha Heels!) Just dig this clip from You Tube. This just oozes Christmas Spirit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHHeGcD6o_E

Happy Holidays, y'all.

Cha Cha Heels!

I have got to get it together.

No matter how hard I try, and to be perfectly honest I ain't been trying so hard up to this point, I can't seem to get into the spirit of the season. It's this lousy economy and just the overall vibe of the world. Flash: I have a conscience!

I have a grandson that I will spoil with millions of dollars worth of stuff he can't use with any level of longevity. But I'm not sure what to do about anyone else (save it, I'm not looking for opinions) (but get back to me before the weekend). I truly enjoy giving to people, because I believe that, if the bread holds out, those who can, should.

For the past few years I have seen to it that I personally have not gone without, and that's kinda what happens at my ripe old age, but to be honest it's at the point where it seems ridiculous. F'rinstance, I have a closetful of clothes, and I will probably not get back to half of them. Yeah, I know where they can be dropped off. I think I'll do that this weekend, actually. I've got to make sure my bar is always fully strapped, and then I go a step or two further & get something I personally would never drink, but maybe it would be nice to offer guests - y'know, the people that want a Bud Light or a rum & coke. And I have dozens of CDs that I have listened to just the one time to be sure I burned them correctly. Yeah, I have everything I'm "supposed" to have, but a lot of it leaves me cold, and once again I'm running out of storage space. And anyway, it's always back to Dub & Louis Jordan & The Fall.

In trying to reason with myself over this surplus of crap, I tell myself it's "comfort food" for all the loss I've experienced in the past few years. Y'know, how long am I gonna milk that bullshit? I'm still here. And life, given everything else, is grand. You're down, you're up, just tighten up your wig and keep pushing. A great dead guy I know once said any day this side of the dirt is a good day.

I think we need to get straight with this country for awhile. Maybe I need to start with me.

OK, soon as I get back from shopping Friday.